The Art of ‘Fendata’

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Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I will get to the point where I am having to physically stop myself from entering the realm of ‘Fendata’…yet here I am…in my late 30’s and majority of my day is spent wondering which photo to post next, what to wear this weekend, which party to be seen at, do I look my age, how high or (God forbid) low am I on the social hierarchy of social media…

It is exhausting and frankly pointless. I know this, yet this does not stop my mind from creating wildly impulsive ideas with majorly disastrous consequences, all stemming from a desire to get attention and keep up. There is definitely something in the water in the USA that makes you feel this way. I lived in the UK most of my youth and I saw this happen time and again to friends and family who moved to the USA. I just thought it was them…nope. The potential is in ALL of us. So I say, if you can’t beat them, join them. But there must be a better way to go about this, a recipe, guidebook, online class?

There are some fundamentals for sure. First one for sure is your look. You must, without a doubt change your hairstyle…preferably go few shades lighter in color (red or blonde only) and get styled…either very short or very long and very curly or very straight, CANNOT be anywhere in between. Then of course is your clothes, you can pick your own style here but remember the overall theme is shorter, tighter, brighter and more revealing. Regarding shoes, for the ladies, the highest heels you can wear without tipping over. For the gents, its simpler (always is), go with the brightest and largest casual shoes that will stand out no matter what you wear.

Makeup is simple, the louder the better. If you like red lipstick, go deeper red. If you like eye liner, think arabian nights. Blush is just as important, the blush needs to be visible from about half a mile away. Jewelry…again, big, bold, colorful and does not necessarily have to match unless of course you are wearing the same color all over in which case everything (top, skirt, shoes, hat, shades, jewelry) are exactly the same shade. I recommend lime green if you wish to go for the single color look.

Tattoos…critical and mandatory. Preferably on lower back or arms. Be creative. Recommendation would be amharic letters, crosses and lions. This way you still ethnic! Nails? Red of course, to match the lipstick. For under garments, I recommend you go with what makes you feel comfortable, no dictatorship in that area but pink or red thongs that can be seen when you sit down work a treat!

Driving? Toyota’s of course, pick any model. Now, where to be seen? The more people there are the better. Try to leave the house after 10pm. Make sure you go with a girlfriend/guy friend who will not cramp your style. The moment you walk into whichever venue you choose (preferably bar or restaurant with live music) you need to WORK IT. What I mean by that is, from head to toe, your body language should be saying ‘I am here, I am it and I own you!’. Dance your way into the place…I mean all the way till you are seated. Keep your sunglasses on until you are sat at the table. Take a look around the place before taking a selfie with your friend. Smile and chew your gum at the same time if you see a table of guys. Order a large meal, just to show them you got it!

Remember, the key here is the dance floor, that is your stage where everything will come together and manifest. Make sure you get on the dance floor when it is empty after a few rounds of drinks. You want to dance with your friend, holding hands and giggling endlessly with heads falling back. Never entertain anyone else who tries to join you…unless of course they grab you from behind in which case you hit gold baby! Fendataness is now officially your game. However, it will all mean nothing if you don’t post, post, post.

Good luck to us all!

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